Finding Peace
by Nadja Lee
Summary: Logan and Scott learn that some things can never be forgiven and sometimes it is best not to remember what you’ve done…


Finding Peace 

By Nadja Lee 14/10/02

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: After the movie

Universe: Movie; AU

Romance: Scott/Jean, Logan/Rogue

Summary: Logan and Scott learn that some things can never be forgiven and sometimes it is best not to remember what you've done…

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: R

Author's notes: Originally written for the line challenge "Unfortunately for Bobby, what he'd failed to remember was that good predators have patience on their side… and of hunters, the Wolverine was the best."

Warning: I was depressed when I wrote this story so it is dark and some may find it slightly disturbing. Consider yourselves warned. 

Thanks so much to J. Marie T. for great beta work.

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He could hear Wolverine come closer and knew hiding wasn't a good idea. He had forgotten what a great sense of smell Logan had…and that his patience would outlast his own. Bobby cast a quick fearful look out from the tree he was hiding behind and to his relief and fear couldn't see Logan anywhere. At least if he had him in plain sight he knew where he was. He tried to force his breathing down to not make so much noise, tried to force himself to relax but that was easier said than done. He looked left and right but still couldn't find Logan. He was close; Bobby knew he was. 

He considered his options; he couldn't run back to the mansion, Logan came towards him from that angle. He had to run further into the forest and hope against hopes that Logan would lose track of him, which was unlikely, or that someone would come and help him, which was just as unlikely…. no one knew where he was. The sound of leaves flying and sticks breaking almost stilled Bobby's heart; someone was drawing closer. He quickly scanned the area again and when Logan wasn't in sight he ran further into the woods, forcing himself to keep looking forward and not turning to see if he was being followed. He kept running as fast as he could, really beginning to feel the drain, stress and the beginnings of hunger he had tried to ignore for so long. Everything had happened so fast; it all seemed so unreal…like a nightmare….oh God, if only it was a nightmare. He tried to forget the memories his brain made him see though didn't quite succeed. He felt his eyes begin to water but forced the tears back; he had no time for tears now…he had to be strong…he had to survive. If he got out of this there was time enough to mourn the lost….if he got out… 

A yell of pure agony and fury, more animal than human, sounded behind him and terrified, Bobby turned his head and saw Logan…no, Wolverine running towards him, his claws stretched out before him, his face twisted in pain almost beyond recognition. His clothes was torn, dirty and strained with blood. 

"Oh, no," Bobby mumbled and forced his feet to move. He had to move. He couldn't freeze up now. 

"Bobby! Duck!" A voice demanded….a familiar voice….a welcomed voice. Bobby did as bid and a red beam flew over his head to hit Wolverine in the chest. Bobby turned to look at him and saw he was already trying to get up, yelling unintelligent words of pain and fury.

"Bobby, are you alright?" Scott's voice asked with concern and Bobby turned to face him. Scott was bleeding from a cut on his forehead, his clothes were ragged and torn but he was alive…and well. He had remembered his name, he had been concerned….he was back! He had been warned about Scott but he hadn't been at the mansion when it had happened and didn't shared the others hatred for Scott….Logan, yes, because he had taken someone he loved away from him but somehow he couldn't find it in him to hate Scott nor fear him…he had never seen him do anything threatening or violent ….It didn't matter anymore anyway; he was alone and didn't know where the others were now and all he knew was that Scott had come to rescue him.

"Oh, Scott!" Bobby hugged him close, burying his head by his shoulder. Scott put his arms around him and held him close for a short while, closing his eyes briefly. What had he done? Scott wondered, pained. Dear God…what had he done?

"You have to go now," Scott said softly as he drew back, his eyes on Wolverine above Bobby's head. Bobby turned to look and saw Wolverine was back on his feet, gaining speed as he came closer again.

"What about you?" Bobby asked with concern as Scott pushed him behind him, urging him to run further into the woods. 

"Don't come back for me. It'll end tonight….for both of us," Scott said softly, closing his eyes briefly in pain. It had to end now…he needed it to end. 

"Find peace," Bobby wished as he ran away; that at least they had both deserved though he doubted they could find peace anywhere but in death….and frankly he wasn't sure if he wanted them to….some actions couldn't be forgiven and shouldn't be no matter what. 

"There's no peace to find, "Scott mumbled as he watched Bobby run away to safety. His full attention returned to the man he had called friend…to the man who had once been known as Logan but who now was only Wolverine.

"There's no peace to find for men like us, Logan…..not after what we did," Scott said softly, tears trying to run down his cheeks but they never made it; he had no more tears left to cry. Logan didn't reply, he just came closer. Scott noticed his eyes; bloodshed, unreal….wild and unfocused. Scott looked up and aimed his visor on a larger branch of a tree hovering above them. Using his mutant abilities in mathematics, he calculated when Logan would be beneath the branch and then fired, the branch hitting Logan over the shoulders and knocking him to the ground. Scott ran to him and saw Logan fighting wildly to get up, his eyes still unfocused, his mouth twisted into a snarl. The branch had dislocated his right shoulder and had given him a nasty cut on the forehead. Before his eyes, Logan's wounds quickly began to heal. Scott had to act now or it would be too late. He wondered briefly if it wouldn't be more merciful to let him die without knowing, but he needed to talk with someone before it all ended and he knew that Logan would have wanted to know… he would have rather had the agony of knowing than die in ignorance. Scott searched his pockets and found the injection he had been looking for.

"I doubt you'll thank me for this," Scott mumbled as he quickly injected the needle's content into Logan's arm before he quickly stepped back. Logan howled in rage and finally fought himself to his feet, his eyes wild, his claws ready to strike. Scott stood still, not moving. He wasn't sure if he wanted Logan to kill him or wanted the drug to take control. He saw it in his eyes first; saw how they lost their unfocused and wild cast as Logan was forced to his knees, bringing his hands to his head while trying not to scream from the agony in his brain. 

"It's okay, don't fight it. It'll pass," Scott promised, his voice soft as he stayed where he was, standing in front of him, not moving. He knew his disgust for what Logan had done was a reflection of his disgust for himself, but right now he didn't care….it didn't matter anymore.

"Scott?" Logan mumbled, confused as he got to his feet, trying to shake the cloud from his brain. What had happened? "Where are we? What happened?" Everything was a blur.

"You'll remember….though you won't want to," Scott promised, his voice something between sadness and disgust. Logan stared annoyed at him.

"What the fuck do yo…" he began but stopped in mid-sentence as memory returned full force to him. God, he saw it all…he had…oh, no! "Marie!!"

It was a yell of pure agony and despair as he sank to his knees, burying his head in his hands. What had he done?! What had he done? Marie!!

Something broke in Scott when he saw the other man fall and he knelt before him, reaching out to stroke his hair softly.

"She believed in you to the end. She never stopped loving you," he said softly, fighting back the memories that threatened to overpower him.

"I…I see her now….Oh, God…I see her now…," Logan mumbled and raised his head to look at Scott, tears running down his cheeks. "She was never afraid….she didn't run away…she didn't even defend herself….she…..oh, no…all that blood," he could smell it now, her blood…hers…"...all that blood…oh, no," everything became too much for Logan and he quickly stood up and turned around, only to throw up behind a nearby tree. Scott stood as well, holding a respectful distance.

"I know it doesn't matter much now but it wasn't you who…" Scott stopped in mid-sentence. But it had been him…that was the whole point. Logan turned around to face him, his eyes dark and clouded with so much pain and agony it was unbearable for Scott to look into his eyes.

"It was me! I saw it…I fuckin' saw it all," Logan said angrily, frustrated, hammering his fists into the tree.

"I see it all too," Scott said softly, looking briefly at the ground, trying to stop the memories. He couldn't break down now…. not now.

"Yes…yes…you were there," Logan suddenly said, remembering. "You….," oh, no…he saw it now, everything….he had….he had never realized just how deadly Scott could be when he didn't hold back.

"I knew her weakness….I knew Charles' weakness….I knew how to shield my thoughts from them and I knew just how to strike," his voice was emotionless now, like stillness before the storm. "I held her then…afterwards I held her….she….she freed me…this was her gift to me….her gift and her revenge," his voice was breaking down now. What had he done? How had it ever come to this? It wasn't how things should have turned out…this shouldn't have happened. 

"We….you and me…we were captured….they did this to us. They experimented on us…made us into…" Logan remembered, thinking back.

"Killing machines…weapons," Scott said darkly, his hands forming fits.

"The compound…. they took us somewhere," Logan tried to recall but was met with a wave of pain. 

"Don't force the memory; they put some kind of block on it," Scott explained. He saw the murderous look in Logan's eyes and continued "I searched for the compound; I found many military camps like it but not the same one," his voice was dark and twisted now, almost beyond recognition.

"You destroyed them," it was a statement of fact; not a question.

"They deserved it for what they did to us," Scott said hotly, hatefully. Logan nodded; he couldn't agree more.

"Everything is so confused right now…how long since…I can't….." he tried to force the memory forth but was again met with a wave of pain.

"About eight months since we were captured, I think. It was autumn then…Jean was preparing our wedding…." His voice drifted away then. 

"And?" Logan pressed.

"It was summer when we…when…you know," he couldn't say it…he could barely even think it.

"Yeah," Logan said darkly, painfully. He wished he didn't know. Rogue's sweet face twisted in agony and stilled in death was burned into his memory forever.

"Jean…. freed me that day as I said, but it took weeks before I was able to make sense of anything…I wandered around aimlessly on the streets…lost...confused," he closed his eyes against the memory. His heart had tried to deny what his brain had known; his days had been filled with confusion while his nights as they were still were haunted with dreams…no, memories of what he had done…. only now he remembered the truth and there was no escaping the memories; they haunted him in sleep just as they haunted his every waking moment.

"Why didn't you come for me?" Logan demanded to know, his voice pained and angry. "Do you have any idea what they made me do in that time? What I did?" 

"Yes, okay. Yes! They did it to me too and I kept track of you but I couldn't free you. The last compound I found I was able to force a scientist into talking and he gave me the antidote for the drugs they used on you to control you," Scott explained darkly and from the look on his face, Logan was sure the scientists he had interrogated had gotten a full taste of his rage and despair.

"What now then?" Logan asked softly, looking at Scott. What was left to say or do? No matter what…he could never forget what had happened to Marie…what he had done to her…and in that moment he wished he couldn't remember but regretted it afterwards; if he didn't remember he wouldn't remembering loving her either.  
"The mansion should have been empty; the kids aren't stupid…they have shattered from all four wings, even I couldn't reach them…what's left of them," Scott looked pained as he said that. "I knew you'd probably be told to watch the mansion so I waited. Bobby was careless enough to come to the mansion and I know several of the kids must have come back from time to time, though I've never seen them as the house stands empty now, but sometimes when I walked through it, I found flowers where…..where they died," Scott said softly, running a hand through his hair.

"We have nothing left," Logan mumbled…he had nothing now that he was without her. It was ironic…he was supposed to have been her protector… he had vowed to kill anyone who hurt her…."We can't even avenge them."

"We can…we must," Scott said strongly and Logan looked at him, something in his tone was…tainted…more so than before.

"What do you mean?"

"The antidote I gave you…It won't last forever and it was the only one I have. You'll…." He stopped, not knowing how to say it.  
"I'll go back to how I was…. an animal, a machine…." Logan finished for him. "I…. what I did…. I almost killed Bobby today…I almost killed you."

"Yes," there was no contempt in his tone towards Logan; only towards himself. He wants to die, Logan suddenly realized.

"How long before….?"  
"A few hours…at most," Scott admitted.

"And you? Whatever Jeannie did…does it…will it hold?" Just saying her name made him wince and he could see the agony that flashed across Scott's face. 

"No. I've felt it falling apart lately. It won't hold….nothing will. That was how they made us; no going back…no going back," he whispered sadly.

"I can't go back to that; I won't go back to being how I was," Logan said strongly. The memory of Marie lying lifeless in his embrace returned painfully. "I won't…I can't."

"You know there's only one thing to do; for both of us," Scott said softly. Logan's eyes narrowed.

"You knew all along…. you knew it would come to this…you…you just didn't want to do it alone," he wasn't sure if it was an accusation or a statement.

"I gave up analysing why I do what I do long ago. I thought once that I'd see Heaven…that I'd find peace…now I know I'll never find either… not anywhere," Scott mumbled, looking at Logan as if that was explanation enough. 

The air seemed to have grown colder; there was a change in the wind around him…the sky seemed darker. 

"When we met…" Logan began softly. "I was a fool. You were the true leader and I'm proud to have been your friend…and to die with you." Why hold back now? There was nothing to lose and pride was something neither of them could afford.

"I was a fool too. I misjudged you; I let my petty insecurities get in the way. You're a true hero with a stronger heart than anyone I know. I was proud to call you friend…and to share this moment with you," Scott said softly. Strange, he had known this would come yet it still came too quickly. A natural desire to survive no matter what fought briefly in him but then died out…this had to be done. It had to.

"It's okay, Scott. Just do it….It won't hurt me," Logan promised though they both knew he was lying.

"I hope you'll find Marie again," Scott said softly, tears he didn't know he could cry running down his cheeks.

"Find peace," Logan wished, closing his eyes and imagining Marie before him. So beautiful she looked, her hair long and pretty…she was wearing a long white dress…it was their wedding day…she was smiling at him…she looked so happy.

"Goodbye, my friend," Scott said softly. Quick…painless if possible. He closed his eyes and waited until he felt the beams fight to get out from under his closed lips. Then he forced himself to open his eyes and a red beam tore forth and hit Logan in the chest; full power. Only the briefest flicker of pain flashed over Logan's face but a smile remained…until there were only ashes left. A word…a name seemed to echo in the trees around him.

"Marie…"

Scott walked as in a trace, forcing himself not to look at the ashes as they flew in the wind. The shadows from the trees grew longer, the sun was setting, and darkness was falling. He walked on. The wind seemed to mock him, seemed to whisper names to him as it embraced him…seemed to talk of Jean and her love, Marie's look as Logan held her…Ororo as she, with her last breath, wished he would find peace…. always thinking of others even then…..Jean…..whisper of the gift and curse she had left him with….memory…knowledge of what he had done….something he couldn't bear to know, something which had driven him mad, had shattered his mind, soul and heart.

Time lost its meaning, his thoughts were on everything and nothing, the tears had died, frozen on his cheeks. He had reached his goal, a cliff above the water. It was a beautiful sight as the last rays of the sun was disappeared beneath the ocean. It seemed so peaceful but inside he felt only death…lost….

He looked at the sky and wondered if there was a Heaven… if there was, he would never see it…maybe he wouldn't even see Hell…maybe he would be doomed to wander forever as a tortured soul; never finding rest…wasn't suicide one of the greatest sins? Yet how could he live with this much pain…knowing he'd lose the memory of the love he had shared with Jean as he lost the memory of what he had done? The award of ignorance wasn't worth losing the bittersweet agony of remembering her love…. It all came down to that he just wanted it all to stop…..it all had to end…he didn't want to feel anymore…he couldn't take it anymore. 

"There is no peace….no peace to find anywhere…..not for me," he whispered into the stillness. 

Then he took a step forward and felt the ground disappear under him.

The End 


End file.
